Whether you’ve known me my whole life or just started reading my inner thoughts a couple of weeks ago, you probably have pieced it together that I am a perfectionist. Sometimes that can be a positive trait, but recently perfectionism is being thrown around as a term for a “never-good-enough” mentality that moms apply to all aspects of life.
Just so I’m being clear here, there is a difference between “seeking excellence” and “maladaptive perfectionism“, which is defined as: perfectionism that gets in the way and includes setting unrealistic standards, overreacting when not reaching such standards, and needing always to be in control.
When I was growing up, I was often called “the perfect one.” This distinction celebrated my achieving spirit, and allowed me to believe that I could get straight A’s in school, win cross-country races, and lead the junior class to create the 90’s best Parisian-themed prom in west Texas. But I wasn’t actually perfect, and I often made mistakes.
It wasn’t until later, as I was climbing the corporate ladder, attempting to balance raising kids with growing my career that my perfectionism turned to the more negative stereotype that we often associate with the pitfalls of motherhood.
When my anxiety reared its ugly head, I had to uncover the roots of why I was feeling so out of whack when I couldn’t control the situation. And it stemmed from a negative association with failure and a fear of being seen as not good enough.
So I tried some things on my own, that unfortunately didn’t work and only heightened the anxiety.
Ways That I have Tried to Overcome my Perfectionism (that haven’t worked)
- Became more organized
- Worked harder/later/more than everyone else
- Polished and shined my outer layer, without a care to how I really felt inside
- Justified my impossibly high standards – I wasn’t trying to be perfect, that’s just how I was wired
- Attempted to perfect my children, and in the process berated myself (and on my worst days, my kids) for not living up to my standards
- Sank into the culture of busyness so I could put off starting anything new/different/challenging; where in reality it was fear that caused my biggest pause
And then I tried a different route, where I am still a work in progress, but it is starting to help untangle the unrealistic expectations that no one but me had for myself.
Ways I have am Working To Reframe Perfectionism (that are starting to help)
- Leaning into the messy
- Relinquishing control of how this “ends”
- Using the word “AND” – not everything is either/or, good/bad, right/wrong, perfect/gawd-awful shit storm
- Realizing there isn’t just ONE way to do something (as an Enneagram 1, I am still shocked by this)
- Showing my vulnerability (this may be scary for people who think I have at all together)
- Not comparing my beginning to other people’s middles
- Giving myself grace. Over and over again.
- Live in the RIGHT NOW, and stop looking 3-to-10 steps ahead
- Working on my fear of failure by re-framing “failure” – if we never fail, then we never grow. In order to grow, failure is NECESSARY.
- Celebrating small, tiny progress
- Not beating myself up for small, tiny backwards steps
There are a LOT of mantras, ideas and methods on this list that are much more challenging to embrace and embody. But what I have learned is that I cannot “work harder” to work my way out of negative perfectionism. Un-training and reframing is a process. And I will celebrate the little, tiny, mini steps of progress along the way.
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A note about parenting labels, then and now. My parents and I have talked about how perfectionism runs in our genes (my mom was also known as “the perfect one” in her household). Oftentimes, it’s the positive force that keeps me aiming for the stars, but at other times it’s been a label that comes with a little more baggage. Even though it’s something I’m working on not using with my own kids, I know that my family never meant anything other than goodness and love by the term. It was a different time, a different era. And honestly, if you had my two brothers and me, you’d be inclined to call me “perfect” too 🙂
