I am a continual work-in-progress, and the proof is showing up in my parenting. I’ve been working on quite a few self-love/compassion techniques for myself and for my kids, but one of the most profound is the mind shift from mistakes = bad to mistakes = growth. This is such a challenge when it has been engrained in your brain your entire life, so it’s an undoing and a re-training. But I am finding it’s getting easier, and the work that I’ve put in for myself is starting to pay off in raising my kids when they make mistakes.
Raising Kids Who Make Mistakes
Earlier this week, my beautiful little tween came to me with a laundry list of all the “bad” things that happened that day. I’m not sure if she was needing extra comfort or if it culminated in one too many things on her brain that made her crack. But the waterworks started and she said, “I just can’t stop making mistakes, and then I get so upset about it.” My heart broke a little. I have inadvertently passed along my same self-critical nature and shaming response down to her.
The good news? I don’t think it’s too late, for either of us, to relearn how to re-think mistakes. So I sat her down in the gentlest way, the way I wish my inner voice would to talk to me, and taught her three ways to re-frame failures.
1. Ask One Question: What Did You Learn From This?
We talked about each of her “mistakes”, one by one, to find the lessons hidden in the struggle. For her, there was a problem that she missed on a test that she KNEW. The lesson uncovered here was about slowing down, and checking our work before turning it in. She also had a literal run-in with a friend, and the friend’s shoulder was hurting the rest of the day. We talked about how next time we can be more aware of where we’re running, but also ways we could help comfort the friend afterward.
Maybe for you, it’s learning to ask for help, learning to speak up when a deadline will need to be moved, or learning to say no. This part is very personal, and will be different for each of us. But the belief that mistakes = growth allows for us to look for the good in every situation. Sometimes you have to look harder than others, but it’s there. Find the learning.
2. Remind Yourself This: Making Mistakes Is Normal
One of the BEST ways to relate to your children is to say “me too.” Often kids who are experiencing things for the first time can think they are the ONLY ones who have done this or the ONLY ones who feel this way. We need to help them realize that the problems and situations they are facing are age-old, or at least that you’ve experienced or been exposed to similar situations.
Normalizing mistakes allows them/us to lean into the growth mindset. Rather than avoiding mistakes at all cost, they/we will be open to trying new experiences, because the fear of the mistake will be minimized.
I also think for us parents, seeing others go through similar situations is helpful (which is one of the reasons I started writing). When we can normalize that we are struggling through a phase, or struggling with our own issues while raising our kids, we can be that much more encouraging and supportive of one another. We have come a long way in the mommy-judging, but the next time a mom is struggling, rather than offering to help or to fix it, let’s just try “me too.”
3. Give Yourself Grace. Lots and Lots of Grace
This is one I am leaning into heavily in this season. When I asked my daughter what she thought “giving yourself grace” meant, she said, almost sadly, “forgiving yourself.” Like this was going to be the HARDEST one of all. Yes, darling, it is tough to forgive yourself. But it is so freeing.
One of my favorite visuals of abundant grace is from the David Crowder song How He Loves: “If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.”
If God can give us this much grace, what does that mean for us? It means that we can release ourselves from the burden of this mistake and lean into accepting our own forgiveness and his grace.
However you grew up thinking of failures, there is still hope for teaching ourselves and our children a different way. Take the time to try this on yourself, and work towards incorporating it into your parenting.
If you have other tips on re-framing failure, or if you’ve tried this method and want to share, I’d love to hear how it’s going! Leave me a comment or share this article on your own social media. Thanks for the love.
