I was going to post about a different topic today, but events of this week have lead me to write from where we are as parents right now. Parenting through a pandemic is hard. Parenting through racial division and teaching our kids that oppression has been happening for a long time, but they have a role to play in this too, is hard. Parenting during a never-before-seen invasion of the capitol building from a mob is scary and very, very hard.
Parenting in fear. It’s not something that I planned on when I thought I wanted to become a parent. But it’s real life. And shocker – we are not the first generation to parent through fearful times. My mom keeps telling me about growing up in a time when Russia had nukes pointed towards the US, and kids of those days grew up knowing what a bomb shelter was and were afraid of WWIII. Many of us lived through the terrifying events of 9/11, and either as a parent or a child, were afraid of what our future of the country looked like. We’ve also parented through natural disasters, deadly riots and shootings in schools.
When we really look back, parenting through fear should have been more than expected. But somehow it still knocks me off balance. How do I cope with my own worry and anxiety without causing extra worry or stress to my children? How do I tell them enough without showing or saying too much in front of them?
Just as in life, there are tools you can use to parent during your own times of worry and fear.
Talk to Your Partner
While these events are transpiring, take a few moments to talk to your partner about what you are comfortable sharing with your children and what you feel needs to be kept as “adult only” info. Discuss your own fears and worries so you can support each other during this time.
Talk to Your Parents (if you’re lucky enough to have them around) or Someone From a Previous Generation
Have them tell you about times during their parenting days when they faced scary moments and questioned how to discuss it with their children. You may find comfort and solace knowing we are not the first generation to face difficult parenting times. You may also get a glimpse of hope that the children they parented turned out to be decent humans themselves.
Take a Moment to Yourself
Fears, worry and anxiety are real emotions. If you are expected to “put on a brave face” for your kids and force these emotions down, they will end up coming out in snappy remarks or unexplained outbursts at your partner or children. Deal with your own emotions by talking to a friend, a therapist, or going on a quiet walk on your own. Or my new fallback, deal with my heavy thoughts by writing them out.
Do What is Best for Your Family
Your family may have very young, innocent minds that you want to keep protected so you choose to say nothing. Or you may have history buffs that have read every non-fiction book on war they can get their hands on, so you decide to open up the conversation to past leaders and their effect on our nation. Or you may have a super-sensitive worrier, and you are careful to discuss the day’s events – knowing they will hear about it at school tomorrow – in an honest, but sensitive way, bringing it back to her safety. However you choose to approach it with your family is what is best for your family. Period.
Pray About It
There are some things that are so heavy that as parents we don’t think we can handle them. But praying about it makes us realize that we are not alone on this parenting journey. A simple prayer that I keep going back to is this: God, please take this worry. It is too big for me today, but I know you can handle it.
As we face new news stories and deal with our own doomscrolling, remember that there is no one “right” way to parent. We are all doing the best we can to show our children how much they are loved and that we can be strong and resilient in the face of uncertainty.
