As we lean into the messiness of life a little more, we realize there is no one right way to happiness, purpose and fulfillment. Life is not a test, and we can relinquish the struggle of doing it “right.”
I’m learning to undo some of the negative traits of perfectionism for myself, which means I’m being extra vigilant in picking up cues from my kids. There are words like “should” and “not enough” and a moral compass for “right” or “perfect” outcomes.
The Kindness Judge
I had the great honor of being the first to open an email from the school district last week congratulating our oldest for being chosen as a 4th Grade Kindness Ambassador. She was on cloud nine when I showed her the acceptance email.
Not 10 minutes later, though, she’s in tears. Her and little sis had been doing chores, and big sis snapped off a not-so-nice comment. Little sis, doing exactly what little sisters do best, pressed the button. She said, “you probably won’t make a very good kindness ambassador if you can’t even be nice to your sister.” OUCH.
My tween comes into my room, crying that she wants to be un-selected. To please email them so she doesn’t have to be the Kindness Ambassador. Little sis is right, she’s just not kind enough.
The Life Test
My self-work journey is EXACTLY what I was doing this for. So I could feel confident in my words. I told her, “let’s take a minute to think about this before we make any rushed decisions. For one, this was meant to be fun, so you can meet some new friends and spread a little kindness to people at school. And secondly, this is not a ‘kindness test’. No one will be measuring you or scoring you on how kind you are. You are totally capable of this, but this is not a test.”
We also talked about how sisters – and family in general – can sometimes press our buttons and find our weak spots. But we also know that they love us the most and support us more than anyone. At that exact moment, little one comes in with a hand-written note saying, “I did’t meen to make you up sait. I love you very much. I was not thrying to mak you feel strast. Love, S” [We’re working on her spelling, but her repair is right on point!!]
Life Is Not Pass/Fail
The moral of this story that I realized after the fact is one of the most important lessons I am learning right now: Life is NOT A TEST. No one is testing you if you are kind enough, have a clean enough house, have enough money, have a big enough title, have found enough joy. ENOUGH.
There is no one RIGHT outcome. There is not a scantron sheet at the end of your life that says, “Tiffany, you did alright in the career department, but that mishap in 2019 costs you 23 points. And yelling all the time about shoes being on the floor? Minus 12. You’ve failed. Lucifer has your seat assignment for the next bus out.”
Focus on Fulfillment
What does this mean for you and me as we journey through this life together? It means we get to try different things. We’re allowed to fail and get back up. We can change course, direction, careers, relationships and try new ways to find fulfillment. We have the opportunity to quiet the internal – and sometimes external – critics and judges by trusting our own ideas and passions placed on our hearts. Joy is not in doing it right, in passing a test based on a misguided idea of perfection. Joy is in purpose and fulfillment and growth along the way. Cheers to the journey.
