Where would I start? Would I teach them about the generosity I learned from watching my mom adding extra plates to the dinner table, telling them there’s always plenty when you’re hosting new friends or old? Would I teach them to look at the world through the lens of adventure, where every new turn, every change in plan is not an interruption, but another opportunity to take the scenic route? Would I teach them grit, a powerful, bold way of living where failure is expected, but it’s how you learn from it, overcome it and move forward that tests your real determination? Would I teach them the value of a dollar, why I drive a 7-year old vehicle so we can use those un-paid car payments to buy plane tickets and experiences instead of new toys? Would I teach them about respecting their bodies, how every impression is a first impression and can label you, as a dear friend used to say, either a princess or a ‘ho’? Would I teach them the dangers of the internet, of never chatting with strangers or giving out personal information, and please, oh, please never get caught up in the pettiness of cyber bullying? Would I teach them about faith and hope, ideals to cling to when nothing seems to be going right but trusting that our creator has us in his hands can be the calm in the midst of any storm?
Yes. To all of it. I want to teach them all of this, and so much more. But if I had to boil it down to one thing, just one, it would be the thing I am still learning myself. To love yourself. Fully. Without expectation. Without achievement. Without justification. The same kind of love that mothers have for their babies. The same kind of love that our God has for us. Not something you earn or something that gets taken away. Real, true, unconditional self-love. Girls, only then can you see your real power, your real potential. And you won’t be scared to tackle your dreams if you can see yourself the way I see you.
So how do we help our girls (and boys) with this journey to their peak potential, if we, as mamas, are still struggling with it ourselves? We have to first work on ourselves.
- Get control of the negative labels. Yes, the movies were funny, and we all love to joke how we’re a “bad mom”. When we screw up, how often do we flippantly say, “How dumb can I be?” But when we label ourselves as “bad” or “dumb” or “fat” or “sloppy” and we say these words in front of our kids, they start hearing that negative self-talk is not only accepted, it’s the norm. What do you think they’re going to say when then fail a spelling test? “I’m dumb.” Or what about when that boy doesn’t ask them to the dance? “I’m ugly.” Why is it OK to give ourselves negative labels and then expect our kids to magically only think positively about themselves? The label game is not ok. So let’s stop it. Right. Now. And when you force yourself to use positive language in front of them, you’ll also reap the benefits of speaking more kindly to yourself. Which brings me to my next topic.
- Create a mantra. This seems very unnatural to most of us. I have a running chain of thoughts in my head at all times, but mostly it’s things I forgot to do, checklists, analyzing or over-analyzing what I’m doing in any given moment. But we need to calm our thoughts down. We have control over the feed that runs through our head. When things get really harry and start running out of control, I go back to my mantra. This helps us build a solid foundation in our minds of who you are (You are loved. You are enough. [Keep adding to this your own beliefs and pillars…]) to always refer back to. I keep mine on a saved “Notes” on my phone. In the midst of a mind spiral, I open it up and read it. And I take back control of my thoughts.
- Find a self-love accountability buddy. This can be another mom, friend or just a really positive person in your life. Tell them your struggles about loving yourself (Girl, they probably didn’t even know! And more likely, they are probably struggling too!) Vow to find ways to lift each other up. It may sound cheesy at first, but those “you’re doing great mama” or “wow, you’re so good at that” text messages and positive affirmations that you send to her will help YOU to start believe them for yourself.
- Be kind to yourself and learn the word “Grace”. Your kids, if they’re still littles, think you are the MOST amazing person in the whole world! And teen moms, remember your kids used to think of you this way…hold onto this thought for a second while I explain. In their eyes, you can do no wrong. You know all of the things you’ve forgotten to do or things you’re sure you’re screwing up on at this VERY moment. But all they see is your love. See yourself in love. Give yourself that grace. Grace is the loving response to our shortfalls, and if you can practice this on YOU, your kids will learn to love themselves through their tough times too. So stop beating yourself up. They need to see you be kinder to yourself.
- Be OK being OK. Life is full of ups and downs. If you think your life needs to look like the perfect Instagram feed or your house needs to be spotless before you company over, you will miss out on all of the really great, but sometimes just OK times in between the super high and the super low. And that’s where the real life takes place. Embrace the everyday-ness! Laugh when your kid spills pink paint water on your tax papers. Those CPAs probably don’t get a lot of color in their life – this will be funny to them. Hug your friends as they step over your piles of laundry. At least you’re getting to spend time with them. Perfection is not achievable, so give into living and loving your life just the way it is today.
