Sometimes in life we are so afraid to ask for what we want.  What if we hurt someone’s feelings or come off as selfish?  What if we don’t get it, so saying it out loud will be embarrassing (and make us feel like more of a failure)? In hindsight, I’ve been living parts of my life shoving down what I really want and working harder for what “I deserve.”  So in on any given year, if I didn’t get a promotion or a pay raise, then I must not have deserved it.  People “out there” knew what I needed more than I did.

I finally realized – after some post-cocktail insight from a former HR team member – that in our company, and dare I say in life, people don’t just get raises or promotions or anything beyond what they are currently getting by just being around long enough. Oh, and the kicker, men are getting paid more because they are not afraid to ask for it. 

I took this advice to heart. And I did a thing. About a year ago – pre-pandemic, bright-eyed hopeful me, put out into the universe and directly to my boss this ask: I need more flexibility.  Boom!  The pandemic hit and I got to work from home EVERY DAY!  See, I asked for it! 

But that’s not actually what I had in mind, so I needed to add a qualifier to it.  I’m also learning in life you have to be specific when you ask for something.  So earlier this year, in the height of the pandemic and after getting over the “you should be grateful” voice in my head, I asked specifically for what I wanted.  I asked for shorter working days.  I asked for more time to spend on things that are important to me.  I asked without apologizing that I was asking.  And then I waited. 

In the pandemic, waiting feels like the norm, so this came easy.  I waited some weeks with hope in my heart.  I waited some weeks with optimism.  I waited some weeks angry that nothing was being done. I waited some weeks that felt never-ending.  And then I asked again.  And again. And very politely – because that’s how I was raised – again. 

And after all that asking, I got an answer. Yes.  (Pause for silent chair dancing.  Over-celebrating would be inappropriate.  All I did was ask.)

But I cannot wait to share with you, my friends, that this is a REAL LIFE practice.  It’s called asking for what you want.  It’s amazing, it’s liberating, and the best thing – YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT*.  For the love of all things holy, this is mind blowing. 

I’m going to give you a few tips to try this in your own life.  Practice small, like with your kids – honestly, they rarely listen anyway, so your expectations can be low.  Then practice on your spouse.  Then practice at work, in your friend circle, on your committees and in your life.  And practice this in your prayer life.  God knows what is on our hearts, but putting it into words offered as prayers sets the stage to receive His abundant blessings. 

So how do you start?  

1.  Ask for what you want.

2. Make it specific – “I need more from you” becomes “I need you to take on the grocery shopping this week, and can you take the girls to soccer.”

3. Don’t apologize during the ask. 

4. Depending on the request, you wait.  Then you ask again.

5. And again.

6. And again.

7.  During the waiting and asking phase, it’s a good idea to pray and journal to keep yourself looking forward.

8. Don’t shrink back just because waiting is uncomfortable.  

9. Then something magical happens.  And YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT*.

10. Chair dance silently.  Or dance out loud in the kitchen with a glass of champagne in your hand and tears in the corner of your eyes. 

Take some time today to think on the things that you really want.  Things that you need in your life but you’ve numbed yourself into accepting what is. And then try it. Ask for what you want and wait for abundant blessings.  Just think, dancing with champagne could be in your future. 

*Qualifier. Not to spoil the joyous mood, but I let my husband read this before I posted it. He suggested I add the word “sometimes.” You get what you want…sometimes. Which is true, but in my defense, a coach in the 4th quarter does not tell his quarterback – you go out there and you MAY throw a touchdown. No, he tells him, you WILL throw a touchdown. So this is me, being your down-by-6, :12-seconds-to-go voice. I’m your hype man. And he’s just such a realist. God love him.