I have discovered about myself that I am a  very binary thinker – which means I usually think in either/or terms. This tendency often takes me to the extremes, to the polar opposites. I am either doing great, or I’m failing miserably. As I’ve written about before, I can be very uncomfortable in the middle ground.  However, changing just one tiny conjunction word – from “or” to “and” – opens up my thinking and my perspective and moves me to get unstuck.

The Dichotomy of My Life

I have proof that I’ve been a very this-or-that thinker my entire life. I even wrote a poem to my husband  probably a dozen years ago, before we had kids and long before I would call myself a writer. I wanted him all to myself, to travel the world and have great adventures, and I didn’t want to share him with future children. I called it The Dichotomy of My Life, and I keep repeating the word “but.” Re-reading this poem with a different lens, I realize there are quite a few places I can now change “but” for “and”. 

I want more things/ but I want less stuff

I want stability/ but I also want excitement

I want adventure/ but I don’t want change

I want a successful career/ but I want to not work for the man

I want to travel the world/ but I want to have babies

I want an action-packed life/ but I want to rest and relax

I want to make a lot of money/ but I want to live a simple life

I want to throw it all to fate/ but I want to plan every last detail

I want to be close to my family/ but I want to move to an island

I want the perfect body/ but I want to eat chocolate, and cheese, and…

I want you/ and that’s the only thing I’m sure of

– Tiffany Harlow, 2008-ish

Make the Two Ideas Coexist

For me, I initially thought traveling the world and having kids couldn’t coexist in the same universe. Kids meant staying at home or road trips less than 5 hours. Traveling to foreign countries with little ones was for singles or kid-less adventurous couples. But we’re living proof (pre-pandemic and hopefully again soon) that you can do both. 

When you feel like you have to make a choice in life, try rephrasing it using “and” in order to see if the two ideas can coexist in your universe. 

All of the Conjunctions

It’s so fascinating to me that changing one little word can make such a big difference in our mindsets.  “Or”, “but” and “and” are coordinating conjunctions, which according to Grammarly: Coordinating conjunctions allow you to join words, phrases, and clauses of equal grammatical rank in a sentence.”  This means that both of the ideas you are weighing are of similar importance to you, but you feel like you have to CHOOSE. It doesn’t leave any room for a gray area, and you’re more likely to be indecisive and get stuck.

Here’s a real-life example that has opened up new doors for me. I was struggling with writing or working, so I started like this: 

I can be a writer OR I can work full time in marketing. 

So I can quit my job completely to focus on writing OR keep grinding and making a living. 

But changing that one conjunction to “and” has opened up my thinking to be more like the below. (I also added another conjunction to get me comfortable with the “how”): 

I can be a writer AND I can work full time in marketing, SO I have to make time to write. 

Rethinking the Fork in the Road

I used to think of a decision point in life as a fork in the road, staring down two totally separate paths depending on what you choose. But maybe there are not two paths at all. Maybe it’s more like an aid station on a trail race, where you get to make a choice as to what gear you put on.  Some conditions may need you to put on different shoes or change out your backpack so you have the right equipment for wherever the path leads. 

Choosing the type of pack you’ll carry may also feel less daunting than choosing  the one “right” path. This type of thinking helps make decisions easier, makes trying new things easier, and moves me down my path – without regard that I’ve only got one intersectional point to get it right. 

Try it on for yourself. Throw in the word “and” to help make your decisions lighter and get you moving down your path. It’s your life, don’t you want to try for both?