A guest blog written by my friend, whom I met through Hope*Writers, Sarah Giove.
“You have to heal the girl to become the woman you want to be.”
–thebookofsarah.com
Do you ever wake up in a sweat at 3am from a strange repressed childhood memory? No? Just me then.
I remember the first time I ever drove a car. I don’t remember how old I was but I was much younger than 16 and I had never taken any lessons. My dad said I was going to drive the van and take him to the laundromat and back. I had no idea he was drunk at the time, I just thought it would be cool to drive, so I wasn’t arguing. It was surreal getting behind the wheel, an out-of-body experience. Kind of like when you meet a celebrity for the first time and it doesn’t feel like real life. I had seen people drive cars so many times but now I was in the hot seat. People often say I’m a good or safe driver and I’m convinced this strange scenario is what scared me straight. Somehow I completed the errand safely and he just said, “Don’t tell mom.”
Growing Up Sarah
I was quite sad and lonely for a lot of my adolescence. I still have a collection of angsty poems to prove it. Perhaps this is why I’m such a befriender nowadays. I remember what it was like to be on the outside looking in. I was a product of the 90’s homeschooling trend because we didn’t live in a wealthy area and local schools weren’t up to snuff (or at least they didn’t live up to my mother’s high expectations). Homeschooling was also popular among the christian subculture that we were a part of because parents didn’t want their kids to be taught about evolution or… dare I say it… S-E-X.
Both my parents needed to work so at a certain age of accountability, I was expected to stay home with my older brother and complete a list of school work by dinner time. My parents did the best they could but struggled with their own issues– My dad, a closeted alcoholic. My mom, a control freak with a short fuse and a cutting criticism. As I’ve grown older, I can see they were just doing the best that they could given the circumstances, but for better or worse, how I was parented has shaped how I parent.
As a full-time nanny for 6 ½ years, I’ve done a lot of boundary making and childrearing. Throughout this time, there’s some things I’ve learned along the way that have made me a better caregiver:
1. Say “No” to Extra Obligations
There’s nothing quite like a global pandemic to help calm down a busy schedule. Now it seems the whole world wants to go out to coffee and meet up for dinner again, but I’m taking it slowly. I prefer to have at least 3-4 nights of the week at home. Saying “no” to extra social meetups or work projects will help keep your schedule free and clear to do your job at full capacity, be with your kids, and still have enough “me time” as well.
2. Screen Free Time
I sincerely believe silence is a spiritual practice. I live in the busy city of Chicago and it’s sometimes hard to find some quiet. There’s something called Sensory Deprivation Therapy that has come back into vogue after it was used on soldiers after the Cold War. You can even pay to float in a pod of silence for 60 minutes! Now that our world has been taken over by cell phones and instant access to everything, mental silence is more rare than ever. Technology is so helpful (I mean, hey, I’m editing this blog on my phone right now) but it’s all consuming power has to be given limits. I try to turn my phone on airplane mode or power down once per week from 8am-8pm. Set yourself up for a successful detox by checking email and sending messages before your time begins. Consider telling people close to you that you’re turning off your phone so they don’t worry if they can’t reach you. Pick a low traffic day when this will be easier to achieve. Consider “screen-free Sundays” or “screen-free Saturdays” something you regularly look forward to. The silence is scary at first but you’ll quickly remember the benefits of leaving it behind. Also, once you turn your cell phone/laptop back on, you might get a flurry of notifications that make you feel like Beyoncé. Or perhaps no notifications at all— see? The world will sometimes not even take notice if you’re gone for some personal time. No FOMO needed.
3. Mindfulness/Meditation
Mindfulness and meditation offer you a daily respite from all the thinking, doing, talking, walking, and problem solving. Just to have 5-10 minutes when I am simply focusing on my breathing or following along with a timed meditation is enough to help me feel refreshed during a busy day of multitasking with tiny, wild humans running around my feet. There’s tons of platforms that will lead you on a guided meditation, so try some out and find what you like. I’ve had great experiences with apps like Calm, Headspace, Insight Timer, Abide, I Am, and my favorite lately is Soulspace. If all else fails, set a timer and just focus on being in the present moment, observing your body and your thoughts without needing to take action. Meditation time also doubles as a quick daily reset from your phone. Score!
4. Quitting Coffee (Again)
This one is a doozy but it’s worth it! Like my mother before me, the coffee addiction runs deep. It’s something I’ve gone back to and quit a couple times. The truth is that I am a much more calm and level headed caregiver when I am not over caffeinated and artificially stressed. The highly marketed iced coffees of summer time are a tricky vixen but after a rough detox (day 2 without coffee led to a major withdrawal headache followed by a nap), I now prefer to start my day with a homemade matcha or chai latte. One of my new favorite coffee substitutes is MUD/WTR. They send a cute little starter kit with a frother for a reasonable price and it’s quickly become my new favorite morning ritual. Full disclosure: I just love this product and they’re paying me exactly zero dollars to say it.
5. Reading (or Scanning) Good Books
Now when I say “reading” what I really mean is skimming and reading sections that I find most helpful. Sometimes that means reading the entire book but often it means skipping to a chapter that really resonates with me. Most recently I read “Raising Good Humans” by Hunter Clarke-Fields, “Our Mothers, Ourselves” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, and “Body Positive Power” by Megan Jayne Crabbe. You can even find these titles at your local library if you want to take a peek for free!
Something that really stuck out to me in “Raising Good Humans” is that you have to be able to take hold of your reactivity to a misbehaving kid, because you literally cannot access the part of your brain that has all of the good parenting knowledge when your stress response has been activated. Our primal brains still think we might need to fight off a tiger, so we have to tell ourselves that a wild child isn’t an imminent threat in order to be the best parent in a tough situation. Grow a long fuse. Nothing helpful will come out of our mouths until we’ve taken back our reactivity. (Again the coffee detox really helps with this too).
6. Therapy
I’m not sure why this one has taken so long. Oh wait, yes I do– it’s because I’m a helper who has a hard time admitting I need help! Well, better late than never. I’ve had a counselor here or there in the past but it wasn’t always a great fit. If you’ve tried therapy in the past, consider trying again. Finding a good therapist is kind of like dating– you usually have to try several before you find one worth holding onto long term. So I’m trying again. I’m hoping to get some clarity on my issues with food and body image. It’s something that’s plagued me and many women for the majority of our lives. Big shout out to western culture’s unrealistic beauty ideals for making this possible! I’ve finally submitted an application through BetterHelp to find a therapist to talk to about my issues. It’s more money than I was expecting but when compared to traditional psychiatrist fees, it’s more affordable and financial aid is easily accessible.
Don’t forget— before we had therapists, we simply confided in safe and trustworthy friends and family. Maybe you don’t want therapy but I guarantee there is at least one loving listener in your life who is hoping you’ll reach out!
7. Journaling (AKA Free Therapy)
It’s always a good idea to get out what you are struggling with, whether on paper or via voice note. There’s some kind of magic when you put words around your experience. Language can be a powerful medicine. Even if you have negative thoughts or irrational fears, writing them down can help you see them for what they truly are: just thoughts. You are not your thoughts but it’s important to acknowledge your thoughts and hear them out. Just like a child who gets a “boo boo” needs to be heard, your inner emotional life needs to be seen and heard in order to move forward without all that heavy baggage.
Deep down we know that our parents weren’t trying to harm us as they raised us, but some of us have some major wounds. Might I suggest that even the painful parts of childhood can now be used for good? Time fades our emotional scars, but if you have kids or look after little people in your life, you have power now. You will be a better leader, a better mom or dad, or a better entrepreneur for having worked through your issues rather than stuffing them down. They always come bubbling back up again anyway.
There’s a lot of nuance involved in childcare, but the best thing you can do for your kids is to heal the kid inside of you.
Sincerely,
Sarah
As a nanny for 6 1/2 years, Sarah hosts her own blog, http://www.SincerelySarah.blog with articles and resources for parents and caregivers of young children. Sarah lives in Chicago, but you can also find her on Instagram @marypoppinsirl
