My children have called me the strictest parent they know, so I’ve come up with a new plan. My kids are going to create the family rules this summer.
As a self-proclaimed control freak and an Enneagram 1 (where everything is my way or the wrong way), my house may be a little more rule-structured than some. In fact, my children have called me the strictest parent they know on more than one occasion, thinking that would make me lighten up. Truth be told, it did the opposite. If I’ve got a title riding on this, ain’t no way I’m letting it go!
The Battleground
After a rough day on what should have been a lovely family outing, I realized that my rule setting and strictness have become a major battleground for me and my tween. Something had to give. And in this instance, after stewing over the push back and the blatant lack of regard for MY feelings, I had an idea. A brilliant, wonderful, awful idea. I was going to make HER create the family rules.
So I started my scheming and wrote a letter to my child.
Dear child of mine,
I want you and I to have a happy summer together. I know you are growing up and want more independence, and I have a lot of rules. So I’ve come up with an idea. I want your help to create our household’s summer rules. Dad and I will still have to review and approved them, but I want to give you the first step. Think about all the things we do as a family and all the ways you need boundaries to be healthy kids (these would apply to both you and your little sister), and come up with ideas to cover:
- Screen time
- Sweet drinks
- Desserts
- Spending money
- Reading
- Back talking
- Swimming
- Fighting with sister
- Bed times
I hope that this will help us to have a wonderful time together. No matter what…I love you always and forever.
Love,
Mom
The Independent Thinker
Within minutes of reading it, she had pages of notebook paper and different colored pens for each item to outline. (She initially wanted to do it on Google slides, but I challenged her to do it on paper first. We never made it to the screen, which I’m totally fine with.)
She took the time to outline daily and weekly standards for the items above, as well as pulled in a few new ones – time with friends and sleepovers – and was overly detailed with the guidelines. After each new ground rule was laid out, she would come outside and read them aloud to me. I challenged her a couple of times but only to ask “what if” and “have you thought about this” type questions.
My favorites included having “code words” for warnings – for instance if her and her sister were arguing, either one of them could throw up the peace sign or say, “peace out” if they needed some alone time. She also included in every single rule: “No complaining.” I am LOVING this!
Parenting is About Consistency
At no point did I need to interject with more strictness, as she had done a fine job putting appropriate boundaries of her own.
This brings to mind a phrase that I’ve heard that parenthood is not the ONE time you say something, but is the culmination of all of the times you say the same thing. We are constantly reminding them to make healthy choices, to go outside, to be kind. Keeping that loop in the back of their heads will serve them far into the future, and it came out in multi-colored goodness on the pages of our summer rules.
Creating Your Own Family Rules
Interested in giving this a try in your home? Click here to download an editable letter to your child, copied exactly from above, or create your own letter or list with your kid. In allowing our children to create the family rules for kids, we’re allowing them to win some of the battles on independence, teaching them responsibility and showing them how to set their own safe boundaries and healthy habits.
